she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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