Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you never un-have a 4some
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
