I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
