My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't put those talents on a resume
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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