When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
