I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
