we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
