I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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