I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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