Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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