he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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