What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
