I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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