Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
