So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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