I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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