is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
