I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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