I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
