so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
