Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
