can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
What a dumb baby whore.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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