i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
