***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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