How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
