I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
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I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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