just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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