Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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