u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
