I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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