im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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