Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
