I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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