You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
