So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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