I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Houston, we have a blender
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
