Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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