John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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