I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
