I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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