i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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