i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
