I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
