and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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