i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
