I love having hate sex.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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