I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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