Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
