I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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