Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
