In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
