she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
