tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
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Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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