He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
