...so i touched it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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