im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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